Yep. You read that right.
I was ready to settle for a clinically diagnosed psychopath that I met on a dating app. That’s how desperate I was for love.
Yes he knows I’m writing this, and of course his narcissistic ass is fine with it.
Firstly, I want to emphasize that there are violent and non violent psychopaths. Not every psychopath or sociopath are the type you see in movies, blood thirsty and bodies in their basement.
Majority are successful businessmen with normal families and loving friends.
They can be very high functioning and able to feel and understand small amounts of specific emotions. And that’s who Tim was (I’ve changed his name for privacy reasons).
He isn’t a killer by any means, but he was incredibly narcissistic, detached, only did things that benefited himself, manipulative, and unable to feel complex emotion.
And the emotions he did have were short lived and very intense. Like. Girl. You could just tell something was off.
Now it’s not to say that he doesn’t deserve love because of his mental state; I actually believe he is capable of having a healthy relationship. Just, you know, not with me.
How The Hell Did I Get Here?
I was just coming out of a very shitty relationship of almost 5 years. I had to move back in with my parents (not the best environment) for financial reasons.
I was also starting a new job that required insane amounts of traveling. And at the same time my first dog, my absolute best friend who I loved immensely, passed away tragically.
All of this happened within the span of 2 months; I was a fucking emotional wreck. So, I ended up searching for a numbing agent. Whether that be wine, weed, or new love.
In this case, I was seeking love.
I wanted constant attention. I wanted someone to talk with, to take me places, and honestly just to awe over me. I wanted, needed, a distraction.
So I downloaded Bumble and began my search; it was my first time using any type of dating app.
I did end up meeting a couple guys on Bumble before Tim, but they were looking for sex while I was looking for at least the potential of a relationship. Then the psycho popped up.
And he was devilishly handsome.
Getting to Know Mr. Oh So Freaking Wrong
Tim and I swapped numbers pretty quickly. After a brief yet unusually open conversation about how he didn’t care much for people and had literally no friends, I jokingly mentioned that he might just be a sociopath.
In which he not so jokingly corrected me in saying, “psychopath”. He says I caught on quicker than his therapist did…………. yeah…
I hadn’t met the dude yet and had no plans to, but I was super interested in him as a person after hearing about his psychopathy.
So we kept talking.
Tim was a Christian and very strong in his faith. He had a son who he took great care of, so it showed that he did have emotions, just not the type you and I have. He really only believed in love, but as an action rather than a mushy feeling.
After talking more and falling for his unpopular viewpoints, humor, confidence, intelligence, and faith in Christ, there was a situation where I saw him snap.
He got incredibly angry and disrespectful to me over absolutely nothing. It wasn’t even a back-and-forth argument, he was just yelling, talking over me, and working himself up so much that he started sweating and getting red……
Then it was over, like nothing happened. I was utterly baffled. I wasn’t even afraid, I was just shocked and hurt.
After making up excuses for his behavior, and convincing myself I could help him change –
*hard eye roll*
I continued to see him…
Don’t get me wrong, I knew I couldn’t be in a relationship with him after that situation. I had a long convo with God about it.
I was honestly a bit torn because Tim did help me in strengthening my own faith and I knew I had the patience to stay.
I was romantically checked out but still wanted him as a distraction, which was definitely selfish on my part. I think I also stuck around as favor, I guess I felt bad for him…
Closing the Door, and Locking It
One night, after that talk with God, I had an insanely vivid dream. I dreamt that an unusually tall, fair skinned man got down on one knee and proposed to me in front of Tim.
With no hesitation, and with full confidence, I said yes. That was it, end of dream.
The very next day, after I saw Tim, I went to meet up with my sister and her new co-workers. This is where I met the man who has shown me exactly what love is supposed to be, my current hubby: James.
He is a 6’10 (not a typo), fair skinned, gorgeous man. He was that man in my dream, I knew it.
I immediately ended things with Tim. I had to, every ounce of me could feel it.
I was worried this would cause him to snap again. So my excuse for leaving was that I just wasn’t ready for a relationship and I assured him that “well hey, anything can happen in the future”…… which was a bold face lie. I had no intentions of speaking to him again.
But he wasn’t, and still isn’t, upset. He understood and only cared for maybe a couple days before moving on.
He contacted me a few times after but just to talk.
He admitted that he wanted to keep “using” me to vent to because I was the only one who “understood” him. But I did eventually cut him off.
That door was finally closed.
Since then, James and I have been absolutely flourishing in our love. It’s a classic “you know when you know” situation, which I never believed existed until I met him. I thank God for this man every single day.
Learning to Give Up Control
I wanted to tell this story because yes it is interesting and there are so many more details that I could write a whole ass book, but I also wanted to encourage single women to just chill. Chill off Bumble or Plenty of Fish, or Farmers Only if that’s your thing.
Just relax off trying to find someone in general.
I am not saying no one can ever find a decent man on a dating app, I just would not suggest that being the only place you expect to find him.
From my experience and knowledge of other successful relationships, I feel strongly that the type of love I’ve stumbled upon – love this organic – can only come from organic avenues.
After I saw Tim snap, I stopped actively trying in the relationship. I’d given up all control and I was okay with letting things play out, whatever that entailed.
Ultimately, I stopped searching for someone to fill my heart, to lift me up and distract me from my shitty life. I began nurturing my relationship with God and trusting Him so much more. Then almost instantly was handed the man of my dreams (literally).
So my advice? Get off Tinder. Stop trying to control such an intimate part of your life. Be content with the single you, cherish this time, and talk with God or the Universe or whoever.
Stop searching, stay open and receptive. That’s it. And I promise, the rest will fall into place.